Anxious

I often think about the origins of words. I get it from my mother who is a Latin teacher extraordinaire… 🙂 Have you ever thought about how terrific and terrifying come from the same root? Or awesome and awful?
Well, I’m feeling “anxious” and I really do mean that both ways! My transfer is scheduled for Friday morning. 3 days away. 65 1/2 hours away, actually. :-). I long for my embryos to be back with me. I pray for them, write notes to them while at work, think about them, write stories for them, write about them… I can’t wait until Friday afternoon! I will bring two home with me!
But then, I also avoid thinking about them. I pray about Everything Else. (My prayer life is getting pretty intense: driven to pray, avoiding one topic until I turn tearfully, shakily face-in to it, and find comfort, hope, confidence to move on. Only to forget that in two hours and be driven back to prayer again…).
Why avoid thinking, praying about it? Because I don’t want to lose any of them. I want all my embryos to live. I don’t mark on the calendar the day that I will call to ask, “How many survived?” I don’t highlight the section about the embryo report card in my ART instructions packet. The embryo report card will list them all–and tell me which have died, and which are dying. There may be one that looks promising. We choose two to transfer, and we hope the rest will live to be re-frozen. But none ever has.
Still, I believe, with all my foolish heart, that God intercedes on our behalf. That when we choose, having been steeped and lifted in prayer, that He ensures that any who might live are chosen to be transferred.
They are His children. Surely, He longs for them with even deeper constancy and purity than I do. In Him, there is no selfish desire to spare Himself the pain, the cost of love, the cost of loss. He has already paid it all.
My Father is not anxious. He already knows the goodness, the richness, the beauty of the outcome that He has planned for us in this journey. As in all our journeys.
Can I rest in His confidence, as I sometimes rest in my husband’s?
Well, I guess I have decided to ask my husband to pray for me about my anxiety. After all, Isaac prayed for Rebekah–and she who was barren conceived twins!
And I too, pray. For life. For peace.
And His peace He leaves with me. :-). At least for a couple of hours. 🙂

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