One Month Until Transfer!

Today is exactly one month until our scheduled FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer.) I can hardly believe that T-day is approaching so fast. On the one hand, I have been so anxious to get this done, to take my babies back home with me (for at least a few days), to get the results, get this over with, so that I can move on and stop thinking about it(!) and stop taking all this medication. On the other hand, I want to hold it off. I don’t know how ready I am to grieve again so soon. I don’t want to feel the pain of a failed attempt. After all, it is also only two months today since the transfer that didn’t take…

And the numbers… The immensity of the numbers weighs so heavily on me. The heaviness of the cost, the debt we’ve taken on. The amount of medication. The heavy losses–we thawed 6 embryos in order to have 2 to transfer last May. We transfered the 2, but none of them made it. We have 7 frozen, sleeping embies. How many will we have to thaw in order to have 2 to transfer? Will any make it to transfer day? Will any slow-starters (not ready for a 3-day transfer) make it to day 5 to be refrozen? How many will stick? (Will it be none again?) –numbers upon numbers…

But I will hope.

You see, I believe that it was God who called us to give our embryos a chance to come home, and get them off of the ice. And I know that it is He who has created the four wonderful miracles who make our house a home. I have been blessed far beyond all that I could hope or imagine. There is no way that I could have deserved any of the grace He has poured out on me.

The embryos are His. He loves them far more than I ever could, and He has a plan for them, a plan for their good. And He calls us to bring them home.

And so, I hope.

And I pray…. Life for my babies…

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